The Done Thing?

Q.I am currently having a lot of problems with my invitation wording.

My mother died when I was 19 and my Father re-married when I was 22. I am now 26 and planning to get married in Jan 05. However the whole wedding is currently in jearpody as I do not want to have my Dads new wife on my invitaion - she will sit on the top table and we have asked her to be a witness. My father thinks that I am being really cruel and going against protocall, I however don't think this is the case as his new wife did not
bring me up. Please help...what is the corrent thing to do?

A1.The 'correct' thing to do would be to have your Father's name on the invitations as 'the host' but there's no rule saying this has to be done, especially when you're uncomfortable with it. Your partner and yourself could be the hosts so the invitation would start 'Miss XX and Mr XX request the pleasure of your company at their wedding...' Or your invitations could be more contemporary and not have any hosts named at the start. These would just state 'You're invited to join us for our
wedding on...'. If you're not having a formal wedding, you really don't need formal invitations and perhaps missing of the traditional 'hosts'
would solve a lot of problems! Any stationery company should be able to give you lots of ideas for wordings to get around this situation.

Good luck and I really hope you find the perfect solution soon!
(Answered by Tamryn Kirby)



A2. I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulties with family in the run up to your wedding. Can I ask who is paying for the wedding? If it is you and your fiance then in fact you can send the invitations from yourself. If your Father is contributing, then it should really be just his name, it would be different if your Step Mother bought you up. I don't see how this is being cruel especially as you are having her at the top table and she is a witness, this is a lot more then some brides would do. Don't be bullied and stick to your decision, explain to your Step Mother that you do still want her involved in your day but feel the invite should say your Fathers name only.
Hope this helps
(Answered by Bernadett Chapman)

A3. I get so many brides asking what they should do in this situation. Thankfully weddings are much more relaxed than they used to be – or at least they should be. Therefore when it comes to wording, there is no strict protocol, only guidelines.

Many weddings I have organised have had the invites come from the couple and not the parents. Therefore, you could have the invites saying that you and your fiancé would like “such and such” to join them…..thus leaving your father and step-mum’s name off the invite. Your stationer should be able to provide you with lots of alternatives.

To be fair this lady may not have brought you up but she is now your father’s life partner and if your dad and your step mum are paying, and you wish to follow “tradition” then it is only right that both names be on the invite.

At the end of the day, the thing to remember is that you are getting married to a wonderful man - try not to let the details get in the way of a fantastic celebration!!! Good luck.
(Answered by Aileen Boyle)




A4.Weddings are such a stressful time and it is very sad that your father is making an issue out of this. I think it is incredibly generous of you to invite your step mother to be a witness and to be part of the top table.

Would it be possible to speak direct with your step mother about this? if you can get her to understand your position then she would possibly be able to talk your father round.

As far as protocol goes, there is no set rule, it is quite common for it to be just the father name on the invitation. Sometimes of course, if a step
parent has been part of the brides life for a long time then their name would also appear on the invitation. I think as she has only been married
to your father for four years and as she did not raise you as a child that it would not be expected to have her as host to the wedding.

I would try speaking to your step mother and your father again and try to stress that it is something that you feel strongly about.
Good luck.
(Answered by Suzie Gillespie)

A5.I am sorry you have lost your mother, and only seven years ago. That would have been a huge upset and devastating time for you, and still will be. My understanding is that you have respect for your dad's new wife, but you clearly do not regard her as your mother and never will.

Although you have asked this lady to be a witness and she will be beside your dad at your bridal table, you feel she should not be mentioned on the wedding invitations. You are obviously missing your mother especially at such a precious time in your life, and in some way you feel within your heart that this is not right.

Your dad on the other hand feels that you have asked his new wife to be a witness, and be at the bridal table therefore he probably feels why not on the wedding invitations as well. Your friends and family will understand and realise how this may make you feel.

Whilst some people may think it inappropriate you could mention in memory of your mother at the bottom of the invitation - although some people may believe that might add an air of sadness on your special day (maybe not).

There are other ways to acknowledge your late mother by using her favourite flower, or use her favourite colour for your table line, dance to her favourite song, you will know what she liked.

I wish you well, good luck
(Answered by Mrs S)