A1.I’m sorry to hear about
the situation you find yourself in. Of all the problems that
weddings can generate, the issue of money can be at the root
of quite a few of them. The main issue is that the concept
of ‘who pays for what’ is purely a tradition –
there are no rules to say this is how it must be done and
many people now disregard it (both families and the bridal
couple).
A book such as the Debrett’s Etiquette Guide would show
you the ‘traditional’ things that the Groom’s
parents would pay for but it can’t force the parents
to pay for the things listed.
I would suggest you meet with the people involved face to
face and explain the situation, be completely honest and just
say you’re finding it incredibly difficult to finance
the entire wedding yourself.
Perhaps they just don’t realise how much a modern wedding
can cost or perhaps they don’t know how to broach the
subject of money with you or maybe there are issues between
the step-parents that you’re not aware of. Hopefully
you can all reach an amicable solution soon. Best wishes for.
(Answered by Tamryn Kirby)
A2. You need to talk to your
daughter and future Son In law. They would be horrified I
am sure to find that you are so stressed and concerned about
the situation. They need to talk to the 'other side' and discuss
their input. Whether you are struggling or not, as you say
in this day and age it should be a joint venture, usually
with the bride and groom contributing aswell. Together make
a list of costs and allocate certain ones to each contributor.
Certainly the Groom/ Grooms Side should be paying for the
Rings, suit hire, cars and Honeymoon at the very least. The
easiest way may be to take the bulk of the budget and split
it two ways.
(Answered
by Emma Jane Bennet)
A3. I can
certainly understand how you feel, personally I think its
shocking given the circumstances that they have refused to
help you. I think you should discuss this again with them.
This time explain what you have already paid for and what
has still to be paid. Ask them - not if they would like to
contribute but - what would they like to contribute to their
son's wedding. Offer them specific bills to pay and pass them
the invoices there and then. Then thank them and tell them
how you appreciate their help.
I am impressed you have taken on so much, in this day and
age most couples pay for the wedding themselves with a little
help from their parents. Does your daughter and future son-in-law
work? If so I think they should pick up some responsibilities
too. Your daughter and son-in-law are very lucky to have you.
I am picking up how stressed you are about this and I urge
you not to worry too much. As your daughter's wedding is in
November may I suggest you discuss this matter as soon as
possible.
It is difficult for me to comment further as I am unsure if
you are currently paying for everything or if some of the
bridal party are taking on traditional responsibilities, for
example traditionally the best man is responsible for transport
for the groom i.e. a wedding car, which after it has taken
them to the ceremony, the car can be used to transport the
parents from the ceremony to the wedding reception. But like
I said earlier not many people stick to tradition.
Good Luck
(Answered
by MrsS)
A4.
This is a very difficult position for you to be in and I sympathise
totally.
Although there is nothing written down legally about who should
pay what - tradition dictates that groom or his family pay
for the following:
* the hiring of groom, best man and ushers outfits. * the
transport for the groom and best man to the ceremony,
* transport for the bride and groom from the ceremony to the
reception and from the reception to wherever they spend their
wedding night,
* all of the flowers except those at the church and reception,
so therefore they should be footing the bill for the brides
bouquet, bridesmaids flowers, corsages for the mothers and
buttonholes for the men.
* the church / registrars fees which includes the organist,
bellringers etc.
* the honeymoon and all the gifts which are given to the attendants,
best man and ushers.
It is also the responsibility of the groom to make sure that
the best man has petty cash for any additional expenses.
So you can see that there is quite a lot of expense "traditionally"
met by the groom and his family. All of this information is
contained in a book called "The
Complete Wedding Organiser and Record" by Carole
Chapman. Have you actually met with the grooms family and
talked the situation through, are they aware of your predicament.
It is possible that they haven't offered to pay for anything
incase they offend you. I think that the best option would
be at this stage for you to call a meeting with your daughter
and her fiance, talk to them initially and then follow it
up with a meeting with the parents of the groom. Explain to
them that you are not in a position to foot the whole bill
and would be grateful for any help they can offer. If they
still play the "its tradition for the brides father to
foot the bill", hit them with the list above, backed
up by the book.
Good luck, and don't worry too much, many brides have had
beautiful weddings without spending a fortune!
[Answered by Tracey Ellis]
A5. This is a really difficult situation
to find yourselves in. Unfortunately there is no legislation
or guide book that states what the grooms parents are expected
to pay. The best way to resolve this problem is for you to
talk with your daughter and her fiancé, or talk with
his parents directly and explain the difficulties you are
having. Discussing money matters however, can be sensitive
and it is best to be calm and upfront with everyone concerned.
Explain that the days of the brides family paying for everything
are long gone and whilst you are happy to put all your savings
towards her day, weddings are very expensive and you do expect
the grooms family to contribute more. If they are agreeable
to contribute more, it would be helpful to be clear about
how the money will be spent i.e you could ask them to pay
for all the champagne/wine and evening buffet and band. It
could be that the grooms family do not realise how difficult
this is becoming for you and a face to face chat may be able
to resolve this.
Good luck.
[Answered by Suzie Gillespie]