Q.I am the father of the Bride to be and am unfortunately disabled and consequently out of work at present. I am on some state benefit and have a very small pension from my previous employers.

Although we have saved a good deal towards our daughters wedding, we now find that the Grooms parents and their partners ( both his parents are remarried) have more or less refused us financial assistance and their only input to date is 500 pounds!

All 4 of the parents and step parents are members of the Police force with the Grooms Dad actually in an Inspectors job, whilst the other three are Sergeants in their own field. I find it incredulous in this day and age that they can be so naive as to expect us to foot the entire bill!!

Is there a book or piece of legislation anywhere , or articles on etiquette that shows the EXPECTED input from the parents, or is there somewhere we can politely and diplomatically direct them to try and resolve this??

I sincerely hope you can help and I look forward to your early reply

A1.I’m sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. Of all the problems that weddings can generate, the issue of money can be at the root of quite a few of them. The main issue is that the concept of ‘who pays for what’ is purely a tradition – there are no rules to say this is how it must be done and many people now disregard it (both families and the bridal couple).

A book such as the Debrett’s Etiquette Guide would show you the ‘traditional’ things that the Groom’s parents would pay for but it can’t force the parents to pay for the things listed.

I would suggest you meet with the people involved face to face and explain the situation, be completely honest and just say you’re finding it incredibly difficult to finance the entire wedding yourself.

Perhaps they just don’t realise how much a modern wedding can cost or perhaps they don’t know how to broach the subject of money with you or maybe there are issues between the step-parents that you’re not aware of. Hopefully you can all reach an amicable solution soon. Best wishes for.
(Answered by Tamryn Kirby)


A2. You need to talk to your daughter and future Son In law. They would be horrified I am sure to find that you are so stressed and concerned about the situation. They need to talk to the 'other side' and discuss their input. Whether you are struggling or not, as you say in this day and age it should be a joint venture, usually with the bride and groom contributing aswell. Together make a list of costs and allocate certain ones to each contributor. Certainly the Groom/ Grooms Side should be paying for the Rings, suit hire, cars and Honeymoon at the very least. The easiest way may be to take the bulk of the budget and split it two ways.
(Answered by Emma Jane Bennet)

A3. I can certainly understand how you feel, personally I think its shocking given the circumstances that they have refused to help you. I think you should discuss this again with them. This time explain what you have already paid for and what has still to be paid. Ask them - not if they would like to contribute but - what would they like to contribute to their son's wedding. Offer them specific bills to pay and pass them the invoices there and then. Then thank them and tell them how you appreciate their help.

I am impressed you have taken on so much, in this day and age most couples pay for the wedding themselves with a little help from their parents. Does your daughter and future son-in-law work? If so I think they should pick up some responsibilities too. Your daughter and son-in-law are very lucky to have you.

I am picking up how stressed you are about this and I urge you not to worry too much. As your daughter's wedding is in November may I suggest you discuss this matter as soon as possible.

It is difficult for me to comment further as I am unsure if you are currently paying for everything or if some of the bridal party are taking on traditional responsibilities, for example traditionally the best man is responsible for transport for the groom i.e. a wedding car, which after it has taken them to the ceremony, the car can be used to transport the parents from the ceremony to the wedding reception. But like I said earlier not many people stick to tradition.

Good Luck
(Answered by MrsS)


A4. This is a very difficult position for you to be in and I sympathise totally.

Although there is nothing written down legally about who should pay what - tradition dictates that groom or his family pay for the following:
* the hiring of groom, best man and ushers outfits. * the transport for the groom and best man to the ceremony,
* transport for the bride and groom from the ceremony to the reception and from the reception to wherever they spend their wedding night,
* all of the flowers except those at the church and reception, so therefore they should be footing the bill for the brides bouquet, bridesmaids flowers, corsages for the mothers and buttonholes for the men.
* the church / registrars fees which includes the organist, bellringers etc.
* the honeymoon and all the gifts which are given to the attendants, best man and ushers.
It is also the responsibility of the groom to make sure that the best man has petty cash for any additional expenses.

So you can see that there is quite a lot of expense "traditionally" met by the groom and his family. All of this information is contained in a book called "The Complete Wedding Organiser and Record" by Carole Chapman. Have you actually met with the grooms family and talked the situation through, are they aware of your predicament. It is possible that they haven't offered to pay for anything incase they offend you. I think that the best option would be at this stage for you to call a meeting with your daughter and her fiance, talk to them initially and then follow it up with a meeting with the parents of the groom. Explain to them that you are not in a position to foot the whole bill and would be grateful for any help they can offer. If they still play the "its tradition for the brides father to foot the bill", hit them with the list above, backed up by the book.

Good luck, and don't worry too much, many brides have had beautiful weddings without spending a fortune!
[Answered by Tracey Ellis]


A5. This is a really difficult situation to find yourselves in. Unfortunately there is no legislation or guide book that states what the grooms parents are expected to pay. The best way to resolve this problem is for you to talk with your daughter and her fiancé, or talk with his parents directly and explain the difficulties you are having. Discussing money matters however, can be sensitive and it is best to be calm and upfront with everyone concerned. Explain that the days of the brides family paying for everything are long gone and whilst you are happy to put all your savings towards her day, weddings are very expensive and you do expect the grooms family to contribute more. If they are agreeable to contribute more, it would be helpful to be clear about how the money will be spent i.e you could ask them to pay for all the champagne/wine and evening buffet and band. It could be that the grooms family do not realise how difficult this is becoming for you and a face to face chat may be able to resolve this.
Good luck.
[Answered by Suzie Gillespie]