A1. What
an awful situation for you to be in. You’re stuck between
choosing her or, as you say, offending other family members
and to be honest, I don’t think there’s one definite
answer but I can make a few suggestions and, if it helps you,
you’re not alone - a lot of couples come up against this
kind of dilemma. Are you at the kind of venue where a babysitter
or similar could be arranged for the children so they’re
there but not ‘in the way’? Would she be willing
to step away from her formal bridesmaid role to look after
the children? But I think the first thing you need to decide
is whether you’re happy with the children being there
to ensure her presence. Would other relations understand why
her children are invited while theirs aren’t? I hate
to say it but I think whatever decision you make, you’ll
offend someone so perhaps it’s time to be a little selfish
and go for what suits you, not everyone else. Best of luck.
(Tamryn Kirby)
A2.
I’m sorry to hear that your best friend is being so difficult
about this. My reaction (without knowing you both) is to say
this… it is your wedding, and if you don’t want
any other children there (other than the page boys), then
that is your decision. If this is a true friend, and you have
calmly explained the reasons why you have come to your decision,
pointing out that you are not even asking your cousin’s
children along, then I would question how good a friend this
person is! I realise that it is easy for me to say that whilst
being separate from the situation… and I’m sure
you must be amazed that it has come to this.
The alternative is to consider whether it is
worth falling out about it… maybe she feels that her
children should be involved (like the page boys), as she is
a bridesmaid? Sometimes parents just want to see their ‘little
darlings’ all ‘done up’ for a wedding. Could
you flip it on its head and talk to your cousin, explaining
the difficulty with your friend… they might be completely
understanding! Otherwise, you could say to your best friend,
that the children can attend if they are willing to pay for
a mobile crèche/children’s entertainer (as she
will be busy with you!), as they are effectively the only
children ‘guests’… also, would they be willing
to contribute to the cost per head, as you are not getting
a reduction on the costs for children.
This all depends on how close you are, how upset
you are, and how cheesed off you are at all this! Does your
best friend know how upset you are about this? A true friend
wouldn’t want to make you unhappy, especially about your
wedding day! Hopefully these suggestions will help you to
come to a decision. This is also where a wedding planner could
help, so it might be appropriate to approach someone, to act
as a sort of mediator!
I wish you lots of luck in resolving this.
Very best wishes
(Emma Pirie)
A3.
Poor you! What a dreadful situation to be presented with.
My advice to you maybe controversial but I would stick firm
and say that the 'no children' rule applies, for very good
reason. The only two who are attending are to be part of the
wedding party, therefore, exempt from the rule. I would gently
point out that although her children are very important to
you, so are others and you really could not invite some without
the rest - it would be unfair. Tell her how disappointed you
would be if she felt she couldn't take part in your big day
but would understand her reasons for not doing so. By being
so level-headed and mature it may make her realise what a
dreadful position she is putting you in.
As a really good friend she should be considering your wants
and needs on the day, not hers. Not to mention that you need
to stick to a budget. It can be hurtful to feel that your
children are not included but it does sound as if you have
been more than reasonable and offered a compromise.
Your friend needs to take responsibility for her own children
and understand that others have different priorities. She
may feel defensive because she knows they do not behave well
but that's really for her to handle herself.
Maybe talk to her in the 'royal we' context so you don't feel
so alone with the decision, your husband-to-be also has a
say in this.
Good luck and I hope you manage to resolve this.
(Siobhan Barron)
A4.
18 years is a good solid friendship, which is why I can't
believe how unreasonable your friend is being. Please no more
tears over this! Your friend has upset you and put you under
extreme pressure - she is being so unfair. Explain to her
the reason your nephews will be there is because they are
an important part of your bridal party. Also surely she realises
that you cannot invite her children without other peoples'
children. She said think of them as your family but all the
other children who are not invited are family too.
I understand you do not want 35 children at
your wedding - why should you it is your choice, its your
special day not hers. If I were you I wouldn't be upset -
I would annoyed and angry that she should suggest such a thing!
My advice to you is talk to her again, explain
to her your reasons, if she is still not willing to comply
or compromise then I'm afraid 18 years or not it is her loss
- she will miss out on your special day. I know this prospect
may upset you but you can't let your friend dictate to you.
Nikki trust me if you allow her two children all your guests
who have children will put you through the same scenario time
and time again.
It's your day - stick to your no children policy
because that is what you want.
Good luck
(Mrs
S)
A5. Bless
your heart, what a predicement! It happens a lot more than
you may think. The best advice I can give is to use your best
phsycology. What I mean is sit and talk to your friend, explain
to her how much you are going to have to depend on her help
to get you through all this. Her help will be vital during
the wedding preperations, ceremony and reception. You would
really like for her to have the chance to get away from the
kids for a bit and spend special time with you at your wedding.
And even though you understand her desire to have the children
with her, won't we have such a good time not having to worry
about the children, we can kick our heels up. The important
thing is to convince her that it is not the kids you are trying
to avoid, but that you want all her time and need it. After
all you have been friends for 18 years and though she has
become a parent, for this day you are a wee jealous for her
time uninterupted by her precious babes.
I have found that this works quite well. Best Wishes.
(Brenda Hibbs)
