Mother & Step-Mother

Q. Here is my dilemna...

I am not very close to my mother but she insists on being "involved" in my wedding. My father has remarried and I have a much stronger bond with my stepmother. I was considering asking my stepmother to stand next to me as my bridesmaid. She has done so much for me this year, and is my closest friend.

I know this will cause even more bitterness between myself and my real mother, not to mention my real mother, my stepmother and my father.

I know there probably is no tactful way to tell my mother that her "involvement" is not necessary, however... maybe you can come up with something?

A1.You could say to your Mother that she automatically plays an important role because she is your Mother and no-one can take that away from her, after you and the groom, she will be centre of attention. Why don't you also organise
a shopping trip to find an outfit for her, I know it will be a long day but could help the situation. You could then say because your Step-Mother is now part of your family you want to 'give' her a role so SHE doesn't feel left out. Confirm that you appreciate it may upset her but it is important to you that both Mother & Step-Mother are involved without any annimosity. on the most important day of your life.

Rather then bridesmaid why don't you ask your Step-Mother to be Maid of Honor?I hope this helps

(Answered by Bernadette Chapman)

A2.This is a very difficult situation to handle as I know you do not want to alienate anyone or cause bad feelings on the day of your wedding.
I dont think you should tell your mother that her involvement is not necessary, as this would certainly upset her. Could you maybe subtly limit
her involvement yet still make her feel important? Maybe you could ask your mother to be one of the witnesses?

Do you have to have your step mother as bridesmaid? I am sure this would be very difficult for your mother to deal with and will definately cause tension and bad feeling on the day. Again, maybe you could find another role for your step mother? I am sure your step mother understands how grateful you are for all her help and support and you may find that she would may well feel unconfortable as bridesmaid given the situation?
The main thing is to avoid tension and bad feeling as this will spoil your day. It may be worth making a few compromises to keep the peace?!
Good luck.
(Answered by Suzie Gillespie)


A3. It's one of the hardest things about having step-families and trying to keep everyone happy, knowing how to handle difficult situations.

However, you can only do your best and hope everyone understands. If not you must remember that you have to do what feels right for you and your fiance and if that is having your step-mother as your bridesmaid then that's what you should do. You could explain to your mum that you appreciate all of her help but you also appreciate your step-mum's involvement and support and want to reciprocate by asking her to be your bridesmaid. The role of 'mother of the bride' is of equal status and by pointing out that this is
the role she will be playing, you will be offering the bridesmaid alternative to your step-mum as it is only fair and appropriate. Hopefully this will assuage her and allow her to feel she can 'keep face'. At the same time, you get to share your day with your step-mum in the way you want and avoid any unnecessary upset. Good luck,

(Answered by Siobhan Barron)


A4. What a tricky situation for you. Dealing with family issues is always hard but seems to be more so at weddings when everything is so 'visible'. I would suggest you confront this with your mother and be quite clear about everything so there can be no room for misinterpretation. You could mention that as the family situation is a little complicated, you're trying to limit everyone's involvement so no-one does more than anyone else. If you do want your step-mother to accompany you, it might be nice for your mother to do a reading or make a toast so that she is slightly involved but you have your step-mother
with you as that seems to be very important to you. A little gesture could make all the difference and prevent any bad feeling. Be sure to mention that the decisions regarding the wedding are yours and that you haven't been, and don't want to be, influence by anyone else as it's your day. Good luck, I do hope everything works out for you.

(Answered by Tamryn Kirby)

A5. I can see your dilema, the first thing I would say to you is don't worry too much about this it can be sorted, don't let this spoil making your wedding plans.

Your mother probably feels that she wants to be part of your special day and maybe she is hoping that you approve of this, and in her mind it could be a way of bringing you both closer together. I don't think asking your step-mother to be your bridesmaid should upset anyone too much as this is a role that your mother wouldn't normally take - I think everyone concerned will think this is a lovely idea.

I don't know all of the details, therefore I am treading carefully - but I think your mother would like to be closer to you, but the important thing is what you want and how you feel. Would it be so bad if your mother helped you? If so then may I suggest that you sit her down and break the news gently. Explain to her that really everything is under control and there is little for her to do. If she still is not understanding where you are coming from explain that you would like to do the organising yourself.

Remember though you can have both your mother and your step-mother - you don't have to choose between them.

I wish you good luck.

(Answered by Mrs S)