A1. Everybody
understands how often splits and remarriages cause stresses
that are very difficult to work around when your worlds
collide again. It is too easy to say that as it is the bride's
day, her wishes should be paramount, but we all know that
a wedding day can't be truly happy if some very
important people around her are nursing genuine unresolved
grievances. In our experience the only thing that works,
though, is indeed compromise with everybody sharing the
experience, thinking of the couple and managing to bury
their very real differences for a few hours - other people
that matter will understand the background and will really
respect the efforts being made.
So I think you have identified the solution
to your particular problem. The two 'mums' lighting the
unity candle, and the two 'dads' walking your daughter down
the aisle. What better way to launch your daughter and her
new husband into their new life? I think, though, you might
need to find a more neutral family member to suggest this
and then gently persuade everybody to work together with
heads held high. I hope you all have a wonderful day!
(Answered
by Helen Hitchcock)
A2. The
first thing I'd like to say here is tread carefully! Emotions
always run high during the build up to weddings and things
can easily
spiral out of control.
I can completely understand your feelings regarding the
role your daughter's stepmother may play in the wedding.
However, I do believe that on this important occasion, it
might be wise to just grin and bear it for your daughter's
sake. It sounds as if she's being pulled in so many directions
and is desperately trying to keep everyone happy with regards
to their involvement. I'm sure she knows how you feel about
her stepmother but I imagine you daughter is hoping you
can be swayed more by your love for her rather than your
dislike for her stepmother.
I also believe that saying no to this request will rebound
badly on you, despite your reasons. People will notice that
you're not standing there so I would try to quash your feelings
for the few moments of the unity ceremony and focus on how
much it would mean to your daughter.
In my personal opinion, attaching conditions to your involvement
with the unity candle doesn't bode well. I'm sure everyone
at the wedding knows how important you and your husband
are to your daughter, you have nothing to prove to the guests
but you have everything to lose in your relationship with
her. In a situation where so many people are creating issues
for her, I'm sure
she'd appreciate your unconditional support more than anything
else.
(Answered
by Tamryn Kirby)
A3.I feel very sorry for you
in this tricky situation . I am not sure from your e-mail
what you daughters views on this matter are. Inevitably
it is your
daughter who should make the decision not her father or
step mother but I do feel that she will hold great respect
for you now and in the future if
you were at all able to go along with what she feels is
the right thing to do. It does not mean she would not prefer
you alone to light the unity
candle but maybe pressure from other areas is stronger.
It is not easy as the bride to please both sets of parents
in any situation she is probably
distraught . it is just one day and none will change the
fact that you are her mother forever will they. Good luck.
(Answered
by Gaynor Cunningham)
A4.
I feel that this is an issue to be discussed
and sorted out by the squabbling parents, not the daughter.
If the daughter had any strong feelings then I feel sure
that she would have expressed them so it should be up to
them to come up with a solution. If one parent from each
couple has an important role in the day then that should
even things out. For example settle for the biological father
to walk her down the aisle if the biological mother lights
the candle, then perhaps the step parents could be witnesses.
Hope this helps..
(Answered
by Emma-Jane Bennet)