Q. I am the biological mother of the bride. The bride lived with her father and stepmother growing up , however, I was very much a part of her life.

Her father is putting pressure on her to have her stepmother and myself light the unity candle. My husband and I do not get along with my ex-husband and his wife. It would be a very awkward situation for both of us. I feel that this should be my honour to light the unity candle for my daughter without the help of her stepmother. The stepmother is involved in planning other aspects of the wedding. She feels it is her right.

I asked by daughter that if she allows the stepmother to light the unity candle along with myself and the groom's mother, then my husband - her stepfather, should walk her down the isle with her father.

This has become a big issue between my daughter and myself.

Please give me your advice

A1. Everybody understands how often splits and remarriages cause stresses that are very difficult to work around when your worlds collide again. It is too easy to say that as it is the bride's day, her wishes should be paramount, but we all know that a wedding day can't be truly happy if some very
important people around her are nursing genuine unresolved grievances. In our experience the only thing that works, though, is indeed compromise with everybody sharing the experience, thinking of the couple and managing to bury their very real differences for a few hours - other people that matter will understand the background and will really respect the efforts being made.

So I think you have identified the solution to your particular problem. The two 'mums' lighting the unity candle, and the two 'dads' walking your daughter down the aisle. What better way to launch your daughter and her new husband into their new life? I think, though, you might need to find a more neutral family member to suggest this and then gently persuade everybody to work together with heads held high. I hope you all have a wonderful day!
(Answered by Helen Hitchcock)


A2. The first thing I'd like to say here is tread carefully! Emotions always run high during the build up to weddings and things can easily
spiral out of control.

I can completely understand your feelings regarding the role your daughter's stepmother may play in the wedding. However, I do believe that on this important occasion, it might be wise to just grin and bear it for your daughter's sake. It sounds as if she's being pulled in so many directions and is desperately trying to keep everyone happy with regards to their involvement. I'm sure she knows how you feel about her stepmother but I imagine you daughter is hoping you can be swayed more by your love for her rather than your dislike for her stepmother.

I also believe that saying no to this request will rebound badly on you, despite your reasons. People will notice that you're not standing there so I would try to quash your feelings for the few moments of the unity ceremony and focus on how much it would mean to your daughter.

In my personal opinion, attaching conditions to your involvement with the unity candle doesn't bode well. I'm sure everyone at the wedding knows how important you and your husband are to your daughter, you have nothing to prove to the guests but you have everything to lose in your relationship with her. In a situation where so many people are creating issues for her, I'm sure
she'd appreciate your unconditional support more than anything else.
(Answered by Tamryn Kirby)


A3.I feel very sorry for you in this tricky situation . I am not sure from your e-mail what you daughters views on this matter are. Inevitably it is your
daughter who should make the decision not her father or step mother but I do feel that she will hold great respect for you now and in the future if
you were at all able to go along with what she feels is the right thing to do. It does not mean she would not prefer you alone to light the unity
candle but maybe pressure from other areas is stronger. It is not easy as the bride to please both sets of parents in any situation she is probably
distraught . it is just one day and none will change the fact that you are her mother forever will they. Good luck.
(Answered by Gaynor Cunningham)

A4. I feel that this is an issue to be discussed and sorted out by the squabbling parents, not the daughter. If the daughter had any strong feelings then I feel sure that she would have expressed them so it should be up to them to come up with a solution. If one parent from each couple has an important role in the day then that should even things out. For example settle for the biological father to walk her down the aisle if the biological mother lights the candle, then perhaps the step parents could be witnesses. Hope this helps..
(Answered by Emma-Jane Bennet)