Q. My mother has taken over and it is quickly becoming a day I'm dreading rather than a day i'm looking forward to. How do i tell her to back off without offending her. We've already argued twice about it resulting in me storming off. HELP!!!! What can I do?

A1. For any mother, their daughters wedding has been anticipated for many years. Since the day you were born no doubt!

On the other hand it has also been the day you have dreamt about for many years. Everyone will be eager to give you the advice, 'its your day'. But you obviously care about her feelings.

My first suggestion is that your mother needs to feel wanted and involved in your wedding plans. Give her a specific job that no one else could fulfill except for her. For instance you could give her the job of organising the accommodation of the guests, or working out the seating plan for your wedding breakfast. Then you will make her feel like she is doing an important job and she might not nose in on your organisational plans.

My second suggestion would be to sit down and have a chat with her. Thank her for all her hard work that she has done in helping you with the wedding plans. Warm her up by making her feel really appreciated. Then explain that you have different ideas than her for your day, and you really want her to let you finish off the organisation off the day.Tell her that you are really proud of her and really appreciate all that she has done, but now you really need her to give you a bit of space. But you still need her to be there for you, before and on your special day.

I really hope that you and you mother enjoy your day.
(Answered by Adeline St. John)


A2. I'm sorry to hear that you are dreading your wedding day due to your mother's eagerness to 'assist'.

I would suggest that you calmly sit down with her, perhaps with your fiancé as well for support, and gently discuss with her how you feel it is your day and that the some things are very important to you both. Whilst you value the suggestions she is making, and you are very grateful to her for her assistance, you'd really appreciate it if you could make your own decisions about some things.

Don't dwell on the things that you don't want her help on, but concentrate of the things that you would like her help with. For example, there might be some small element that she has suggested that you could pick up on. If your mum has suggested something small, that you can live with, you could add something along the lines of: "Mum, we really loved the idea for the gold confetti on the tables that you
suggested, and wonder if you could organise that for us? We really like the heart design you showed us, so perhaps you could get the confetti and help us dress the tables on the day before? We'd really value your help on this."

An alternative suggestion is putting her in charge of organising marking the road signs with balloons/ribbons etc, to show travelling guests where to go. This can be useful for directing your guests as they get close to the venue, but also is only seen once on the day.... and will not detract from the ambience of the day that you want. If your invitations haven't gone out, you could ask her to source maps that you could include.. so that she has responsibility for getting yourtreasured guests to your wedding... and you can sell it that having your guests arrive on time and unstressed is paramount, as you want them to enjoy the day. You could even ask her to co-ordinate any ushers to sort out parking etc (as long as she isn't out there in her finery on the day, directing cars!).

Obviously you know your mum better than I do, but giving your mum something to take ownership for, will probably give her a sense of being needed and make her proud that on the day, the tables looked beautiful, or the guests all arrived ok, thanks to her assistance. It is also something that she could then take photos of, and/or discuss with her friends etc! Most mothers have grown up with the thought of organising their beautiful daughters wedding day... but we now live in an age where the couple are the driving force.

If you are calm, and try to remember your mother's point of view, it should help. When you discuss it, don't let her get fraught or upset. If she starts getting upset, just take some time out where none of you talk until everyone is calm again. It's no use trying to reason with anyone when they are wound up. They will dig their heels in.
(Answered by Emma Pirie)

A3. My first suggestion would be bring a third party in (e.g. a wedding coordinator.) I am used to dealing with this situation and would be happy for a brides mother to contact me. I always feel that the best way to deal with a situation is to bring another person in and then families tend to behave themselves. Isolate the factor that is causing the rows, it may be the guest list, the budget or the venue, then discuss it with a third person present and try to figure out a compromise if you wish or explain exactly why you have chosen that particular venue, or service. If you cannot agree on this particular matter then move on. I would then give your mother a list of things to sort out, items that do not need much input or where you are happy for her to make the decision and then she will feel needed
(Answered by Emma-Jane Bennet)

A4. How about you and your mum go through the list of the tasks to be done, and work out where her skills would be of most use, maybe the replies on the invitations so she can keep a count of the guests as they reply. You could point out that you and you fiancee would like to make the choices on colour and style but she could work on the logistic with the various suppliers once you have chosen. Thus allowing her to feel included and useful without recreating her wedding day over again. Remember mum's are usually nervous
too as they want the wedding to be perfect for you and for you to have a day to cherish.
(Answered by Helen Hitchcock)

A4. Why not sit down with your mum and go through all of the wedding plans together. She obviously wants to ensure you have the best day of your life and doesn't want anything to go wrong for you on the Big day. By sitting down and talking to her you can gently explain to her what you and your fiancée want to happen on your wedding day and get across what ideas you have yourselves.Maybe its best to put your ideas and plans down in writing and hand it to her asking her to arrange some of the things on your list on
your behalf. This way you know you are getting what you want. However it does come across from your message that your mother may not listen to your ideas and may still go ahead with what she wants for your wedding. If this is the case, you maybe best hiring a wedding co-ordinator who will work on your behalf and can manage this stressful situation for you ensuring that you and your dreams come first but still making sure your mum is not pushed out and helps in a more positive way
(Answered by Sam Booth)