Unwanted Step-Siblings

I have a particular situation here which is giving me and my second wife a lot of grief. My first wife left me for another man, and for the last 11 years my wife and I have been so very happy. We have 2 children each all over 30 years old. We have treated all our children equally over the years and I mean that sincerely.

Our youngest daughter who has been co-habiting with her boyfriend has now decided to marry him.[My daughter actually]. When she told us, we were so happy ,as was all our other children. The problem is, even though she has always been included with the others social events, she has said she does not want her step-siblings at her Wedding ceremony...we are so upset about this, but all she says is its her wedding and she invites who she wants, I never dreamed she could be so heartless. and I just cannot come to terms with her decision nor can i do anything about it. My wife insists I should attend the ceremony but declines to do so herself on principal which I totally understand. She feels she is being treated badly and I agree with her. She also suffers with Multiple Sclerosis and should avoid stress at all costs. I am going to go to the wedding but cannot see how I will be comfortable there without my lovely wife beside me.

I know you cannot help the situation but I feel better telling you..I have also been excluded from being involved with the invitations and have not been asked if there is anyone else to invite, I have tried talking to my daughter but she will not change her mind, saying she has nothing against them but wants only immediate family there ? what hurts is she does not class us all the same. It is such a shame that what should be a happy event has turned so sour

A1. Oh you poor man – I really do feel for you.

I completely understand where you are coming from and also do not understand your daughter.

This is not reasonable behaviour from your daughter and there is really no need to make you or your wife feel like this. I feel angry for you and your wife.

Perhaps you could have a chat with your daughter about it and let her know how you feel – take her out for lunch , just the 2 of you and try to explain, without putting pressure on her, exactly what her actions are doing to the whole of the family. Ask her to further explain reasons – if there is only the 2 of you then she may open up. Perhaps she is has become so caught up in the frenzy of it all, that she hasn’t stopped to think about the consequences of her actions. Maybe she is trying to spare her own mother’s feelings in some way. Maybe there is some other underlying reason.

Why not suggest having an evening, where you can all get involved in wedding arrangements. Have people around for dinner or drinks – why not include the groom’s family as I am sure that the groom’s parents would love to spend time and be involved in an informal capacity. By involving everyone maybe she will relax a little and see that you are all one big family.

Perhaps suggesting that she goes abroad to get married or simply has a couple of witnesses at the ceremony and a big party in the evening. If this does not work then I am afraid you may need to let your daughter follow her own path and you will need to decide whether or not you go to the wedding. Maybe when she sees how strongly you feel and how unreasonable her behaviour is, she will stop and think. I wish you all the best.


(Answered by Aileen Boyle)