net-weddings - FAQS

Stepfather's Role

My husband's ex-wife left him for someone else when their daughter was very young. She is still with this man and they have since married.

My step-daughter is about to be married. Her stepfather has brought her up and to be honest they are closer than she is to her own father purely because of this. We have seen her regularly over the years and love her very much.

My husband says he doesn't want to give his daughter away because he appreciates how her stepfather has been like a father to her. She wants to involve him in the wedding but he insists he is just a guest. I feel that he is bowing out so as not to lose face, and I think he ought to be involved in some way, although he is certainly not someone who would want to make a speech I do think he should perhaps make a small one.

Advice please - to help us avoid feeling totally out of place!

A1. I am currently working on a wedding that has exactly this scenario. My bride is very close to her step-father but wishes to abide with tradition and
recognise her blood father. She is therefore having both men dressed in the same tail suits and both will walk her down the aisle. Both "dads" are to make speeches at the reception, although it will be her blood father with whom she will have the father/daughter dance.

It is great that your husband acknowledges the input of the step father and maybe a small speech at the reception recognising this may be a nice way of saying thankyou to this man who had effectively raised his daughter. Another solution maybe to ask the bride is her blood father could maybe do a reading at the service, this way he will be involved in the marriage service without him taking anything away from her step father.

If the bride really is adament that she doesn't want your husband to have that much involvement in her wedding, then you must try and accept that she has her reasons for this decision. It is her big day and both you and your husband will be able to just sit back and enjoy without the worries that accompany being a major player on the day.

It will be an emotional day all around and the best advice I can give to you, is to be there to support your husband, as even though he is doing the right thing by "bowing out" it will I imagine still be a tough day for him.

(Answered by Tracey Ellis)

A2. Lucky girl having two loving Dads and I agree with you Sue that your husband should have a role to play.This is not a difficult problem to sort out really - why not have both involved in giving their daughter away? One to walk her down the aisle and the other waiting at the front ready to give her hand in marriage. That way both dads feel involved and have played an integral part in giving her away.

Alternatively, one to walk her down the aisle and one to walk her back up would help to make both feel included. Or a few words at the reception would be entirely appropriate from both Dads, especially in a less formal setting and I'm sure would be appreciated by her.

I'm sure the day will be as you hope it to be and enjoy every minute.Kindest wishes to you all
(Answered by Siobhan Barron)

A3.

(Answered by Clare Coleman)

A4. Weddings are always a difficult for step families! Your step daughter obviously wants to involve her father in the wedding so it would be a shame for him not to have any special part in the day. I would advise your step daughter to persevere and not give up just yet, I am sure with some more coaxing and persuasion, she can get him to agree to take some active part in the wedding. Some suggestions would be if he did a reading during the ceremony? a short speech? travelled with her to the ceremony?
Good luck!

(Answered by Suzie Gillespie)