net-weddings - FAQS

Excluded Mother

Any suggestions on how to deal with a remarried ex-spouse who deliberately excludes the perfectly respectable mother of the bride from pre-wedding social activities with the groom's parents? The bride to be only went to live with her father and his new wife as an 18 year old because of financial reasons. This makes me feel like a big ugly wart rather than enjoying being the mother of the bride?..

A1. I really do feel for you. Without knowing what the situation is between you and your ex-spouse, it's difficult to suggest. However, presuming you've already expressed your sadness at not being involved in the arrangements, could you spend a little time with your daughter and her fiance - maybe go out for a meal together and offer to help with any arrangements that need doing? By speaking to them direct (but being careful not to put on any pressure or make them feel awkward) you may find you get included by your daughter rather than being left out by your ex-husband.

Alternatively, you could arrange a get together, inviting your future son-in-law's parents and your ex-spouse and his new wife. This will show everyone how willing you are to be friends for your daughter's sake and that you refuse to allow your own problems with her father to interfere with her happiness. They may find it difficult to refuse the invitation and if they do your daughter may see them, and you from a different perspective. Show her you want to be involved but are not getting the chance.

Very best of luck!

(Answered by Siobhan Barron)

A2. You poor thing – this is not how anyone wants to feel on the run up to such a special occasion, this is not reasonable behaviour on his part and there is really no need to make you feel like this. I have a feeling that insisting on being invited or getting into arguments about it might only make matters worse and more difficult for you.

Perhaps you could have a chat with your daughter about it and let her know how you feel – it is quite possible that she is so caught up in the frenzy of wedding planning that she hasn’t really stopped to think about how this must be making you feel. Then why not put a positive angle on the whole situation and suggest other ways that you could get involved in the preparations – perhaps going wedding shopping with your daughter and her fiance or having an afternoon at your home where you all get involved in wedding arrangements. You could even suggest having people around for dinner or drinks or meeting the groom’s family at a local bar or restaurant to get to know them better – I am sure that the groom’s parents would love to meet you properly socially too.

(Answered by Clare Coleman)

A3. I am sorry to hear about your situation, I don't think you daughter is meaning any harm, I think she is maybe not thinking as she is so involved with her wedding right now.We don't know who arranged the pre-wedding social activities(which would have an impact of who was invited etc). I don't know any details of your marriage split - maybe you ex husband was trying to spare your feelings and thought that if he invited you along, you may be upset siting dinning with him and his new wife.

I think you should take your daughter to lunch or dinner and explain to her that you are happy for her getting married and you would really like to participate in your role of Mother of the Bride. Tell her you felt a bit excluded and explain to her you can all work together and all be a part of any pre- wedding activities, other social functions and wedding plans. She is your daughter, tell her how proud of her you are and you want to be there for her.

Lots of people split up these days, and it not easy but I am sure with an appropriate attitude you can all work this out. A gentle approach with a positive outlook would be the way forward.

(Answered by Mrs S)