Fiance's Sister Trouble

I am getting married in 5 months time. So far all the organising is going great and no major hiccups, that is apart from one. My Fiance has a sister who although has treated my fiance and me badly in the past,which include her not speaking to us for months on end. I have asked her to be one of my bridesmaids as she was really keen and I thought this would be moving on from things that happened in the past.

Everything went great until a couple of months ago just days after I bought the bridesmaid dresses when she told me that she had gone ahead and booked her own hairdresser for the day of the wedding, I thought this wasn't very nice to do without talking to me about it first and I told her how I felt. Since then she has said nasty things to me and my fiance and now has refused to speak to me or my fiance even though we've been in the same room several times. My fiance has spoken to his mum about this behaviour and her mum says she will not take any sides but has not been in contact with either of us since and at last conversation said that her daughter will be going to her own hairdresser.

On lengthy discussion with my fiance we decided that unless she apologised or took back the mean things she has said that we could no longer have her as bridesmaid. When my fiance told his mum and sister of this, they went mad, the mum said we shouldn't even consider his sister not doing bridesmaid and should just try and forget about the whole thing till her daughter comes round to speaking to us again.

As the wedding seems to be closely approaching and so many other thing are needing to be organised I really don't know what to do. Ideally I want his sister to be bridesmaid as its his sister, but on the other hand she has now created so much hurt for both of us over the last couple of months with no sign of regret that I don't know if it is possible to go on as if nothing has happened or even has the opportunity to as she still hasn't contacted us.

What do I do... ?

A1.Well this is certainly a difficult situation but one which I think can be rectified, although it will involve you and your fiance being the bigger people in all of this.
Firstly, you need to speak with her, ask her out for a drink, better it be on mutual ground and then she is less likely to cause a scene. Tell her how you both feel and tell her that you really want her to be your bridesmaid and play a big part on your special day. However, she must understand that this is your day and whilst you want her to be a bridesmaid, you are not happy about her going off and doing her own thing.

In the big scheme of things the hair issue isn't a major hiccup - if she feels strongly let her go and get her hair done at her own hairdresser, but make her aware that everybody else will presumably be coming with you. If all the bridesmaids are having the same or similar style, then make sure that she is aware of this. I understand fully that you are upset about her choice but at the end of the day, its not a big enough issue to risk spoiling your day for. You may find that she will change her mind when she realises that she risks being left out of the preparations.

I think that it maybe a good idea if your fiance sits down and has a talk with his mom, he should stress to her that he does not expect her to take sides, but he this is a very special day for him and he will only get once opportunity to get things right. He should explain to her how hurt he is by both her and his sisters reactions, but that he can put it behind him if they can.

I am sure that at the end of the day, the wedding will be fine. I would be very surprised if they would want to look like the villains of the peace on your big day. But you should remember that this is exactly what it is - your big day!!! If things don't get any better and you can't appeal to their better natures, then you have every right to withdraw your request that she be your bridesmaid. Just tell her that in the circumstances, it may be better all the way around if she wasn't part of the Bridal party as you can understand that as she is not talking to either of you, you couldn't expect her to be your bridesmaid. Sometimes reverse psychology works.

Good Luck and all the very best for your big day!!

(Answered by Tracey Ellis)

A2. Oh your poor thing – you really are stuck in the middle. I really do feel for you. And I am angry on your behalf….
Having read you email a few times it appear that the sister and the mum really are being quite childish. It appears that you have done all you can to smooth things over but it would appear you are up against it.

If the only reason you are having the sister a bridesmaid is to keep the peace then don’t because it will eat away at you and your fiance. The sister and the mum have made their position clear - that there will be no apology and that you are expected to carry on until the sister “comes round”. This is very unfair and very unjust.

It sounds to me like the sister has a few things to sort out. You don’t mention why she way behaving badly before – is there a chance this could be resolved, since it sounds like the wedding issue is a continuation of something?

You have already tried to explain to the sister and the mum why the sister’s actions have upset you and they are still putting their own feelings first.

I am going to be controversial here and say I think you are right not to have the sister as bridesmaid. The thing that gets me about weddings is that a lot of people focus on what is perceived to be “the done thing” instead of focusing on what they would like for their day.

What you have to remember is that this is your & your fiancé’s day. It is not for show. It is not for status. You are getting married because you love each other – this very obvious from your email. You have each other’s support and that it a huge thing. And I admire you both for it.

My warmest wishes go with you

(Answered by Aileen Paterson)



A3. This is a tough one. Weddings can bring out the best in people but also, sadly, the worst.

Inviting your fiance’s sister to be a bridesmaid following past difficulties shows a willingness on your part to let bygones be just that and to pave the way for better future relationships with your new family. It seems such a shame that things have turned sour again. You mention that things had picked up and you were getting along well until she went ahead and booked her own hairdresser – I can understand why you felt upset that she didn’t ask you first or go along with your plans and it does seem a little unreasonable that she has flown off the handle when all you have done is voice your concerns and disappointment… whereas she might feel that she was simply being helpful and can’t understand why you have a problem with it!

Carrying on not talking about this is only going to make the situation worse though and it would be so helpful if you could make one last effort to talk to her about how you feel, tell that you would love her to be bridesmaid but explain why you feel an apology is in order.

My best bit of advice would be to talk to her directly – perhaps suggest going out for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine – but (if you can face it) just the two of you! I think if you can talk to her without your husband to be or future mother in law involved you might stand a better chance of communicating properly and finding out what the real problem is. I doubt very much that she is purely nasty or that she booked another hairdresser just to get at you – it might be something deeper than this e.g. she might feel threatened by you or feel that once you marry her brother she will loose out on her relationship with him (you might be surprised to learn what insecurities a wedding brings out!)

If this doesn’t work then I think you need to congratulate yourself on making a huge effort, accept that you have done your best and concentrate on making the most of your day and a fantastic life ahead of you with your new husband!

(Answered by Clare Coleman)

A4.What a horrible situation for you to be in so close to your wedding. I really feel for yourself and your fiance. I think that your fiances sister is unbelievably selfish, but I think that to cancel her as a bridesmaid would cause so much trouble and upset that it just isn't worth it. The whole family would be upset and the atmosphere on your wedding day would be tense at the very least.
I would just ignore his sister as much as you possibly can. She sounds like she is an attention seeker, so to give her any of your time and attention will just make her worse. Avoid her as much as you possibly can, concentrate on your wedding plans and most importantly make sure that you forget about her and enjoy your wedding day. Just remember that it is your day and nothing she can say or do can change this. She is probably just jealous of all the attention you and your fiance are getting at the moment.

(Answered by Suzie Gillespie)



A5. I am sorry you are going through this at such a happy and special time of your life.

I understand that you and your fiance would like his sister to be a bridesmaid, the sister herself would and so does your fiance's mum. The answer here would be let her do it now that you have asked her - it would upset more people now if you were to change your mind - and things could really get out of hand.

The hairdressers appointment is to wind you all up, she is deliberately causing stress, anxiety and arguments - she is "attention seeking". She probably feels that her brother is being made a fuss of due to your wedding and she is being left out. This is her way of saying "I'm here"

She is acting this way because " she can" and she is getting away with it. Play her at her own game, I will explain in a moment.

The bad attitude and nasty treatment you have received in the past is stemming from a mixture of attention seeking and jealousy. Think about it each time she creates a fuss or argument, she becomes the centre of attention. I would guess that your fiance and his sister are either very close in age or very far apart in age difference.

When you require her to go for her dress fitting, may I suggest you also invite her mum along this way she will be less disruptive and nasty, and if she does get out of line surely your future mother-in-law will step in and tell her to stop.

Play her at her own game - do not rise to the bait, as tempting as this may be start ignoring her behaviour, shut off and don't let her get to you. When she sees that you are no longer stressed or upset by her, she will stop. Be strong with her and tell her when she needs to be in certain places and give her the time - do not fuss over her. When she starts to create - smile at her and let it go right over your head.

You and your fiance concentrate on planning your beautiful wedding and looking forward to your new life together.

Each time she starts smile and say into yourself " I am not going to allow you to stress me"

I wish you good luck

(Answered by Mrs S)