Sister Trouble

My fiancee and I asked my spoilt 21 year old sister to do bridesmaid. Even though she has caused us quite bit of hassle in the past, we felt that she would go with the flow and help make this a great day - after all she is my sister, and the family would frown if she was not asked.

Now that the dresses have been bought, my sister has started to cause problems. She refuses to use the same hairdresser as the rest of the bridal party because she dislikes a person who works in that particular hairdressers (the bride chose this salon because she regularly attends for normal appointments). She even suggested using a completely different hairdresser (her own regular salon) for her hair. Prior to this she was disrupting plans for the hen night.

She doesn't get involved in organising, and only seems to want to wear the bridesmaid dress on the day. She wants to be a bridesmaid on her own terms - which is very selfish.

It seems that we can't win either way!! If she does bridesmaid, she will disrupt the atmosphere by doing things that only she wants to do. If she does not do bridesmaid, then my family will probably make life difficult for us on the run up and on the big day!! As usual, my parents only see things from her point of view.

Any suggestions?

A1. You’re really caught between a rock and a hard place aren’t you? You’ll either upset your family if you un-ask her or you run the risk of her upsetting you both on the day and in the build up.

My advice to you would be to tread carefully – don’t give her the reaction it seems she’s looking for. If she wants to use another hairdresser, let her. Book the rest of the bridal party in for their appointments and let her know you haven’t arranged something for her ‘as you understand she doesn’t like that hairdresser’ but be clear she’ll have to arrange her appointment on the morning and travel to and from. If she’s disrupting plans for the hen night, carry on regardless and just let her know the date and time that it’s going to be and say ‘we’ll be so upset if you can’t make it but this date was the best for the majority of people’. To be blunt, the wedding doesn’t revolve around her and this is a subtle way to remind her of that. You’re not being cruel, you’re not starting arguments, you’re just getting on with all the arrangements. If she feels she’s being left out of the planning completely, I don’t think she’ll like that at all and she might well be a bit more accommodating to avoid being shut out.

But, if nothing changes, I think you might just have to accept the fact that all she’s going to do it turn up on the day and wear the dress. If that happens, try to swallow the hurt and enjoy your wedding day. You’re marrying the woman you love and no bridesmaid can ruin that. Good luck.

(Answered by Tamryn Kirby)


A2. Isn't it funny that weddings can bring out the best but also the worst in people?

Are the bridesmaids having the same style on the day? If not, then agree that your sister can go to her own salon but on the understanding that A) You will not pay B) she must be back with the bride and bridesmaids at X time. Reiterate that you & the bride are disappointed because you would have liked the bride and ALL bridesmaids to bond the morning of the wedding. You can also mention it doesn't give a good impression if the grooms sister doesn't want to spend time with the other girls. I know its emotional blackmail but sometimes that is the only way forward.

If on the other hand all bridesmaids are having the same style then explain to your sister for continuity she must have her hair done at the hairdressers otherwise she will look like the odd one out; and the photos will look strange with one bridesmaids hair different to the others. Explain that it is really important that the 2 ladies that mean a lot to you will be united on the day and that it will make you proud seeing her walking down the aisle with your bride.

Good luck and remember the only thing that matters in all of this is becoming husband and wife, don't let your sisters childishness spoil the day.
(Answered by Bernadette Chapman)



A3. Oooh families, don't you just love 'em!!

First and foremost this is your day and nothing or nobody should spoil that. Luckily the wedding is still a little way off, so you have some time to either come to a compromise or tell her that her services are no longer required. Firstly, its not too much of an issue if she wants to get her hair done by her own hairdresser, you will probably find that if the rest of the bridal party are all having their hair done together, she won't want to be left out and will go along anyway! I take it from the dress situation that she doesn't want to wear it on the evening, again if the rest of the bridesmaids keep their dresses on, she won't want any attention taken away from her.

If she really is digging her heels in and you think that this may cause you big problems on the day, then you really have to sit down with your family and try and get them onside, explain that it is your big day and you would rather have your sister onside than have her making a fuss. You could try reverse psychology and tell her that you really want her to play a major part on your special day and if she could just do this one thing for you, it would make you very happy.

If all else fails and she still insists on being a pain, then make it clear that you will have a fantastic day with or without her as bridesmaid, but you would much rather do it with her.

The key I think, is getting your family onside. It sounds as though your sister is jealous of all the attention you and your fiancee are getting, so maybe the softly, softly approach may work, make her feel special and wanted - it may just work!!

Good Luck!!
(Answered by Tracey Ellis)