My Best Friend's Children
Q. I'm wondering if you can help me out
with the first problem I've come against whilst planning my
wedding?
My best friend, one of my bridesmaids, has just told me that
unless I invite her 2 children to my wedding, she won't come.
She says they are a family, and so she shouldn't be expected
not to bring them.
We are only having two children there, my 2 nephews, as page
boys. She says if they are coming, so should her children, because
I should think of them as family.
We have made the "no children" rule because if everyone
brought them, there would be about 35 kids. We have to stick
to numbers for the room and also cost, as we have to pay per
head, no matter how old the head!
She said I should prioritise and not have them all there, just
the ones who are most important, i.e. hers. But how do I tell
other people, my cousin for example, that my friend's children
are more important than hers?
Also, we don't have children ourselves, and we don't particularly
want them running around on our day.
Her children are really ill behaved and if she was my bridesmaid,
she would not be with them to be able to control them. Her own
mum won't look after them together because they are too much
of a handful!
I have asked her to maybe just come in the day, so she can get
home to them in evening, but she's not willing to budge. Either
they come as a family or they don't come at all.
I have cried all weekend because I don't know how to get around
it. We've been friends for 18yrs, and I can't believe we could
fall out over this.
Please help!
A1. What an
awful situation for you to be in. You’re stuck between
choosing her or, as you say, offending other family members
and to be honest, I don’t think there’s one definite
answer but I can make a few suggestions and, if it helps you,
you’re not alone - a lot of couples come up against this
kind of dilemma. Are you at the kind of venue where a babysitter
or similar could be arranged for the children so they’re
there but not ‘in the way’? Would she be willing to
step away from her formal bridesmaid role to look after the
children? But I think the first thing you need to decide is
whether you’re happy with the children being there to ensure
her presence. Would other relations understand why her children
are invited while theirs aren’t? I hate to say it but I
think whatever decision you make, you’ll offend someone
so perhaps it’s time to be a little selfish and go for
what suits you, not everyone else. Best of luck.
(Tamryn Kirby)
A2.
I’m sorry to hear that your best friend is being so difficult
about this. My reaction (without knowing you both) is to say
this… it is your wedding, and if you don’t want any
other children there (other than the page boys), then that is
your decision. If this is a true friend, and you have calmly
explained the reasons why you have come to your decision, pointing
out that you are not even asking your cousin’s children
along, then I would question how good a friend this person is!
I realise that it is easy for me to say that whilst being separate
from the situation… and I’m sure you must be amazed
that it has come to this.
The alternative is to consider whether it is worth
falling out about it… maybe she feels that her children
should be involved (like the page boys), as she is a bridesmaid?
Sometimes parents just want to see their ‘little darlings’
all ‘done up’ for a wedding. Could you flip it on
its head and talk to your cousin, explaining the difficulty
with your friend… they might be completely understanding!
Otherwise, you could say to your best friend, that the children
can attend if they are willing to pay for a mobile crèche/children’s
entertainer (as she will be busy with you!), as they are effectively
the only children ‘guests’… also, would they
be willing to contribute to the cost per head, as you are not
getting a reduction on the costs for children.
This all depends on how close you are, how upset
you are, and how cheesed off you are at all this! Does your
best friend know how upset you are about this? A true friend
wouldn’t want to make you unhappy, especially about your
wedding day! Hopefully these suggestions will help you to come
to a decision. This is also where a wedding planner could help,
so it might be appropriate to approach someone, to act as a
sort of mediator!
I wish you lots of luck in resolving this.
Very best wishes
(Emma Pirie)
A3.
Poor you! What a dreadful situation to be presented with.
My advice to you maybe controversial but I would stick firm
and say that the 'no children' rule applies, for very good reason.
The only two who are attending are to be part of the wedding
party, therefore, exempt from the rule. I would gently point
out that although her children are very important to you, so
are others and you really could not invite some without the
rest - it would be unfair. Tell her how disappointed you would
be if she felt she couldn't take part in your big day but would
understand her reasons for not doing so. By being so level-headed
and mature it may make her realise what a dreadful position
she is putting you in.
As a really good friend she should be considering your wants
and needs on the day, not hers. Not to mention that you need
to stick to a budget. It can be hurtful to feel that your children
are not included but it does sound as if you have been more
than reasonable and offered a compromise.
Your friend needs to take responsibility for her own children
and understand that others have different priorities. She may
feel defensive because she knows they do not behave well but
that's really for her to handle herself.
Maybe talk to her in the 'royal we' context so you don't feel
so alone with the decision, your husband-to-be also has a say
in this.
Good luck and I hope you manage to resolve this.
(Siobhan Barron)
A4.
18 years is a good solid friendship, which is why I can't believe
how unreasonable your friend is being. Please no more tears
over this! Your friend has upset you and put you under extreme
pressure - she is being so unfair. Explain to her the reason
your nephews will be there is because they are an important
part of your bridal party. Also surely she realises that you
cannot invite her children without other peoples' children.
She said think of them as your family but all the other children
who are not invited are family too.
I understand you do not want 35 children at your
wedding - why should you it is your choice, its your special
day not hers. If I were you I wouldn't be upset - I would annoyed
and angry that she should suggest such a thing!
My advice to you is talk to her again, explain
to her your reasons, if she is still not willing to comply or
compromise then I'm afraid 18 years or not it is her loss -
she will miss out on your special day. I know this prospect
may upset you but you can't let your friend dictate to you.
Nikki trust me if you allow her two children all your guests
who have children will put you through the same scenario time
and time again.
It's your day - stick to your no children policy
because that is what you want.
Good luck
(Mrs
S)
A5. Bless
your heart, what a predicement! It happens a lot more than you
may think. The best advice I can give is to use your best phsycology.
What I mean is sit and talk to your friend, explain to her how
much you are going to have to depend on her help to get you
through all this. Her help will be vital during the wedding
preperations, ceremony and reception. You would really like
for her to have the chance to get away from the kids for a bit
and spend special time with you at your wedding. And even though
you understand her desire to have the children with her, won't
we have such a good time not having to worry about the children,
we can kick our heels up. The important thing is to convince
her that it is not the kids you are trying to avoid, but that
you want all her time and need it. After all you have been friends
for 18 years and though she has become a parent, for this day
you are a wee jealous for her time uninterupted by her precious
babes.
I have found that this works quite well. Best Wishes.
(Brenda Hibbs)
