My Best Friend's Children

Q. I'm wondering if you can help me out with the first problem I've come against whilst planning my wedding?

My best friend, one of my bridesmaids, has just told me that unless I invite her 2 children to my wedding, she won't come. She says they are a family, and so she shouldn't be expected not to bring them.

We are only having two children there, my 2 nephews, as page boys. She says if they are coming, so should her children, because I should think of them as family.

We have made the "no children" rule because if everyone brought them, there would be about 35 kids. We have to stick to numbers for the room and also cost, as we have to pay per head, no matter how old the head!

She said I should prioritise and not have them all there, just the ones who are most important, i.e. hers. But how do I tell other people, my cousin for example, that my friend's children are more important than hers?

Also, we don't have children ourselves, and we don't particularly want them running around on our day.

Her children are really ill behaved and if she was my bridesmaid, she would not be with them to be able to control them. Her own mum won't look after them together because they are too much of a handful!

I have asked her to maybe just come in the day, so she can get home to them in evening, but she's not willing to budge. Either they come as a family or they don't come at all.

I have cried all weekend because I don't know how to get around it. We've been friends for 18yrs, and I can't believe we could fall out over this.
Please help!


A1. What an awful situation for you to be in. You’re stuck between choosing her or, as you say, offending other family members and to be honest, I don’t think there’s one definite answer but I can make a few suggestions and, if it helps you, you’re not alone - a lot of couples come up against this kind of dilemma. Are you at the kind of venue where a babysitter or similar could be arranged for the children so they’re there but not ‘in the way’? Would she be willing to step away from her formal bridesmaid role to look after the children? But I think the first thing you need to decide is whether you’re happy with the children being there to ensure her presence. Would other relations understand why her children are invited while theirs aren’t? I hate to say it but I think whatever decision you make, you’ll offend someone so perhaps it’s time to be a little selfish and go for what suits you, not everyone else. Best of luck.

(Tamryn Kirby)



A2. I’m sorry to hear that your best friend is being so difficult about this. My reaction (without knowing you both) is to say this… it is your wedding, and if you don’t want any other children there (other than the page boys), then that is your decision. If this is a true friend, and you have calmly explained the reasons why you have come to your decision, pointing out that you are not even asking your cousin’s children along, then I would question how good a friend this person is! I realise that it is easy for me to say that whilst being separate from the situation… and I’m sure you must be amazed that it has come to this.

The alternative is to consider whether it is worth falling out about it… maybe she feels that her children should be involved (like the page boys), as she is a bridesmaid? Sometimes parents just want to see their ‘little darlings’ all ‘done up’ for a wedding. Could you flip it on its head and talk to your cousin, explaining the difficulty with your friend… they might be completely understanding! Otherwise, you could say to your best friend, that the children can attend if they are willing to pay for a mobile crèche/children’s entertainer (as she will be busy with you!), as they are effectively the only children ‘guests’… also, would they be willing to contribute to the cost per head, as you are not getting a reduction on the costs for children.

This all depends on how close you are, how upset you are, and how cheesed off you are at all this! Does your best friend know how upset you are about this? A true friend wouldn’t want to make you unhappy, especially about your wedding day! Hopefully these suggestions will help you to come to a decision. This is also where a wedding planner could help, so it might be appropriate to approach someone, to act as a sort of mediator!

I wish you lots of luck in resolving this.
Very best wishes

(Emma Pirie)


A3. Poor you! What a dreadful situation to be presented with.

My advice to you maybe controversial but I would stick firm and say that the 'no children' rule applies, for very good reason. The only two who are attending are to be part of the wedding party, therefore, exempt from the rule. I would gently point out that although her children are very important to you, so are others and you really could not invite some without the rest - it would be unfair. Tell her how disappointed you would be if she felt she couldn't take part in your big day but would understand her reasons for not doing so. By being so level-headed and mature it may make her realise what a dreadful position she is putting you in.

As a really good friend she should be considering your wants and needs on the day, not hers. Not to mention that you need to stick to a budget. It can be hurtful to feel that your children are not included but it does sound as if you have been more than reasonable and offered a compromise.

Your friend needs to take responsibility for her own children and understand that others have different priorities. She may feel defensive because she knows they do not behave well but that's really for her to handle herself.

Maybe talk to her in the 'royal we' context so you don't feel so alone with the decision, your husband-to-be also has a say in this.
Good luck and I hope you manage to resolve this.

(Siobhan Barron)



A4. 18 years is a good solid friendship, which is why I can't believe how unreasonable your friend is being. Please no more tears over this! Your friend has upset you and put you under extreme pressure - she is being so unfair. Explain to her the reason your nephews will be there is because they are an important part of your bridal party. Also surely she realises that you cannot invite her children without other peoples' children. She said think of them as your family but all the other children who are not invited are family too.

I understand you do not want 35 children at your wedding - why should you it is your choice, its your special day not hers. If I were you I wouldn't be upset - I would annoyed and angry that she should suggest such a thing!

My advice to you is talk to her again, explain to her your reasons, if she is still not willing to comply or compromise then I'm afraid 18 years or not it is her loss - she will miss out on your special day. I know this prospect may upset you but you can't let your friend dictate to you. Nikki trust me if you allow her two children all your guests who have children will put you through the same scenario time and time again.

It's your day - stick to your no children policy because that is what you want.

Good luck

(Mrs S)

A5. Bless your heart, what a predicement! It happens a lot more than you may think. The best advice I can give is to use your best phsycology. What I mean is sit and talk to your friend, explain to her how much you are going to have to depend on her help to get you through all this. Her help will be vital during the wedding preperations, ceremony and reception. You would really like for her to have the chance to get away from the kids for a bit and spend special time with you at your wedding. And even though you understand her desire to have the children with her, won't we have such a good time not having to worry about the children, we can kick our heels up. The important thing is to convince her that it is not the kids you are trying to avoid, but that you want all her time and need it. After all you have been friends for 18 years and though she has become a parent, for this day you are a wee jealous for her time uninterupted by her precious babes.
I have found that this works quite well. Best Wishes.
(Brenda Hibbs)