The Etiquette and Tradition of Gifts

There are two distinct traditions regarding gifts at weddings; those given to the couple from friends and family and those given by the couple to the attendants; best man, bridesmaids, ushers and others.

Gifts for the Couple

The tradition of giving gifts comes from a time, not so long ago where a young couple would get married after having spent their lives living in their parental home. They would be setting up home together from scratch and the older, better off among their friends and family would contribute gifts of kitchenware, textiles and even furniture to help them start their new home.

Today, however few couples start married life from scratch. Most newlyweds already have at least one set of cutlery between them and to stop the same gift being given by 8 different people the wedding gift list developed.

It makes all round sense for the couple to draw up a list of things which they want or need and for everyone who is going to give gifts to use this list. This saves people wasting money and time by giving a gift which is either unwanted or unnecessary.

There are a number of different ways of organising the gift list. For smaller occasions the mother of the bride or groom may be asked to take charge of co-ordinating who gives which gift. In this case everyone should be informed by word of mouth to contact the person holding the list to find out which gifts still remain to be bought.

Where a large list has been drawn up couple might find it easier to use the wedding gift services of one of the larger department stores to co-ordinate the gift lists. Many of these are now computerised and some even make it possible to view the gift list over the Internet.

Generally it is good practice to imagine the amount of money that you would expect each guest to spend on a gift for you and add an item in that price range to your list.

It's not generally accepted to ask people to contribute cash towards a larger gift, although that does vary form case to case. People, quite naturally, like to give something individual from themselves, rather than paying for an eighth of a new dining table.

After the list has been drawn up and the gifts received, it is vital that you write a personal thank you letter to each and every person who took the trouble to send you a gift. The number of people who seem to accept gifts as their right and don't even have the courtesy to say thank you can be quite staggering. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever not to write a thank you note.

When you write the note is not really so important. If you have time you can write before the wedding; perhaps even immediately after receiving the gift. On the other hand, you may find it easier to write all 142 letters in one sitting. With two of you doing it, that works out to a mere 71 letters each. By the way, a mass produced letter drawn up on the computer is also a no-no.

When you have the show of presents, you should ensure that the gift is accompanied by the card from the person who sent it. That way you can be sure that the cheapskates get their public comeuppance.

Gifts for Attendants

The groom is expected to purchase gifts for the attendants on behalf of the couple. These are usually small gifts which the attendant will be able to keep as a memento of their part in the day - perhaps a picture frame or candleholder for the bridesmaids and cufflinks or a tankard or quaich for the best man and ushers; something of that order.

It is not generally expected that great expense is incurred in the purchase of these gifts, but thought should be given to buying the sort of thing that will last and give the attendant a pleasant memory for years to come.