Articles
Second
Time Around
'Who will give the bride away?'
A wedding is a family affair and even a couple
who plan to keep the day simple and informal will find themselves
caught up in the hopes and expectations of other people. If
a couple are paying for their own wedding - very often the case
with second weddings - they are perhaps free of parental decisions.
However, for a second wedding there are a lot
more details to consider than for a first, and there are more
opportunities to be original. For example, have you decided
who will give the bride away? There are those who believe they
don't have to be ‘given away’ a second time. Some
prefer to be ‘escorted’ or ‘accompanied’
down the aisle, and make their choice accordingly. Other brides
decide to walk by themselves.
The Father of the Bride at a first wedding is
a most significant figure! After all, he is usually the host,
and secondly he has the very important job of escorting his
daughter down the aisle. A father might be only too pleased
to repeat his performance, but what if he refuses to do it ‘a
second time?’ Try not to be too distressed, and remember
there is great flexibility about who can perform this task.
A friend, a child or another relative who would
like to be there for you is preferable to a father who, for
his own reasons, doesn't want to be there. There are mothers
who will certainly step in if asked, and be only too happy to
escort their daughter or even to ‘give their daughter away’!
So, you see there are alternatives.
In these days of second marriages, it is often
not only the bridal couple who are taking a second chance of
happiness: their parents, too, may be divorced and one or both
of them remarried. So, it can be a difficult situation if there
is a father and a stepfather in the background who are both
willing to give the bride away. What is a bride to do when faced
with this situation?
Annie: ‘Both my father and my stepfather
both assume that they will be giving me away. Oh the tears that
I have shed over this.' This choice is often especially hard
if there is a much loved stepfather.
I firmly believe that it is totally out of order
for anyone in a family to ‘blackmail,’ or try to influence,
a bride in her choice - as it should be acknowledged how difficult
it must be for her already. But often the pressure is there
to make the ‘right’ choice. ‘I’ll have both,’
cried Elaine. And she did. She came down the aisle with a father
on one arm and a stepdad on the other which kept everybody happy.
Another bride said with exasperation: ‘Enough! I won’t
have anybody. I will walk myself down.’ And she did just
what she said she would.
For a woman who already has children the job,
the honour, of walking with the bride is often given to a son
or daughter. And this is something that they will almost certainly
love to do. It can be a wonderful experience for a son or daughter
to escort their mother on her wedding day. Indeed one of the
most beautiful weddings I have attended was when the bride was
accompanied down the aisle by a son on each side of her. When
the vicar asked, ‘Who gives this woman?’ there was
a delighted chorus of, ‘We do.’ Some people worry
that this is ‘crossing the generation boundary’ but
I do not see it this way. As more and more second weddings are
‘family’ weddings it is very appropriate for an older
child, who is willing, to be given this honour. It is a wonderful
way of showing that there is unity in the decision to marry.
Donna was married in a small wedding chapel. There
were only ten people there, including the bridal couple, and
no reception was organized. Donna: ‘I hadn't thought of
anyone giving me away until the preacher asked who was going
to do it. My son stepped forward to do the honours, and it meant
the world to me that he put aside his personal feelings to make
sure I was happy. For that I will always be grateful.’
If, sadly, the father of the bride has died, then
look for an old friend of the family or a relation. It is a
great privilege to be asked to carry out this important role,
so think carefully about whom you ask. Gloria: ‘My dad
passed away only two months before my second wedding. My grandfather
asked if he could take his place, and I was so pleased to agree.
On the day, there wasn't a dry eye in the church!'
Wanda, a young widow, told me that her own father
had died when she was a child, and with trepidation she asked
her father-in-law to ‘do the honours’ at her remarriage.
She watched with horror as his eyes filled with tears, but they
were tears of happiness on her behalf - that she had found joy
and love again.
Caroline: ‘My best friend is getting married
again, and her parents will not come to the wedding. What can
we do about giving her away? Will I do?’ Yes, of course,
a close friend will do very nicely. Whatever you decide, remember
that it is your wedding day, and once you have weighed up everybody's
opinion (and I am sure everyone will have all told you what
they think)! go with the person you feel is right in your heart
to be by your side on this important day.
© Jill Curtis 2003
Jill
Curtis is a psychotherapist and writes books and articles on
family matters. Her next book "How to Get Married...Again
(A Guide to Second Weddings)" is to be published in May
by Hodder and Stoughton £6.99 ISBN: 0340861274
Jill hosts her own website at www.familyonwards.com
(Click
here to e-mail Jill)
(Click
here to visit Jill's web site)
